John Sammers' Success Tip #7

This week we are going to learn to use an NLP tool based on perceptual positions called the Meta Mirror, which is an excellent technique to understand difficult relationships, improve present relationship and improve our chances of a successful outcomes in meetings. Remember if you like what you read, please pass it on. Help me reach my target of 300 subscribers by the end of the year.

If you are in a hurry, scroll down to the summary.

As difficult as it is to always see this - a successful life is based on successful relationships. No matter how wonderful we are at our chosen fields we must hand our product (life?) to someone else and the quality of the next stage depends on how good your relationship is and how good your communication is. There is an NLP presupposition that communication is, in part, the response you receive - bad response, bad communication. Another thing to keep in mind is that a relationship is different to a business transaction. In a business transaction you give something to get something, in a relationship you give - if you don't then get, you best look at the quality of the relationship.

The Meta Mirror is an NLP process developed to explore a relationship with another person. You can do this without moving, but it works best if you physically move to a different place for each of the positions.

First, choose the relationship you wish to explore. Think about it from your point of view (1st position)

• What makes it difficult?
• What are you thinking and feeling in this relationship?
• Is it about your environment – at work, the friends you have, your clothing etc
• Is it about behaviour – what you do?
• Do you feel your skills and competencies are being challenged?
• Do you think your beliefs and values are being challenged?
• Do you feel yourself assailed on the identity level?
• Is the other person saying one thing, but conveying something else in their body language (communication is only 7% words).

 

Now leave your own viewpoint and look at the situation from a very the other person (or someone elses) point of view. Not your viewpoint from their position, imagine how they feel (2nd position)

• As the other person, what do you think and feel?
• How do you see yourself in the relationship? How do you react?
• What neurological level are you concerned about?

Environment • Behaviour • Capability • Belief • Identity • Spiritual

• Does the other person (you) in this relationship seem to be congruent (totally aligned with your stated position)?

When you have explored this, shake off that second position and come back to yourself in the present moment.

Take another step to third position (fly on the wall)

• Consider both sides of the argument dispassionately.
• What sort of relationship is it?
• What do you think of yourself (1st position in the relationship)?
• How do you feel towards yourself in this relationship?

Once you have some intuition from the third position, come back to yourself in the present moment.

Now take a further outside position (a fourth position). From this point of view, think about how your third position relates to your first position.

• For example, in third position were you angry with yourself?
• Resigned about the situation?
• Wishing your first position would assert themselves more?
• Feeling that your first position should be less assertive?
• Feeling that your first position is being stubborn?

Be clear about how your third position relates to yourself in the first position.

Once you are clear, come back to yourself in the here and now.

Now switch your first position and your third position reactions. For example, in the first position you may feel overawed by the other person. In third position you may feel angry with the ‘you’ who is overawed. Switch the reaction and take the anger to first position. In first position, be angry with the other person.

• What is that like?
• What has changed?
• How could this feeling be a resource?

Now visit the second position

• How is the relationship different when the ‘first position you’ has this new resource?

Finish in the here and now in the first position

The meta mirror works because we mirror our outside relationships on the inside. Our response to our own actions is often exactly the resource we need in the outside world.

Summary

1) First, choose the relationship you wish to explore. Think about it from your point of view (1st position). What are the difficulties? Are you being challenged?
2) Now look at the situation from the another's point of view. How they feel. Check to see whether the other person (you) is conguent.
3) Shake this off, return to the starting position and then become a fly on the wall (3rd position). What kind of relationship is it?
4) Take a further outside position (4th position) and check what you in the 3rd position thinks about you in the 1st. How are you being? Are you angry or dissapointed with yourself.
5) Now try swapping the feelings of the 1st position and the 3rd position and see how that feels.
6) Now check in with the 2nd position and see if the original relationship feels different with the 1st position person adopting the 3rd position state.
7) Come back to the here and now, 1st position and complete.

I hope you enjoyed that - it works in so many situations. Next newsletter we are going to help with chaos! Last week we organised our diary - the desk is next!

Best,
John Sammers
The Rock 'n' Roll Coach
john@rocknrollcoach.com